When I first came in contact five years ago with The Inner Family Archetype Model developed by psychologist Caroline Hanstke and my husband-to-be Brian Emmanuel Grey, I had no idea of how much it would change my life!
For more than a decade, I had been working on myself to achieve greater wholeness and balance, and to improve my ability to relate to other people. Each new nugget I came across had its merits, bringing me forward on my journey. None, however, helped me accelerate as fast as understanding the archetypes I was operating from.
This is something my husband Brian first came to teach me, several years before we were married. I had been looking for a way to get to the bottom of my “stuff,” to really understand how to better relate to others and stop automatically responding to situations in a negative way.
Brian spoke to me about four archetypes that everyone functions through—the Father, the Mother, the Boychild and the Girlchild. He told me that one of the reasons I was getting tangled up in difficult situations was because my Boychild archetype was out of balance.
The Boychild archetype in us is the energy that gets things done. It is our spirit of achievement and zest for life. People who have a strong Boychild archetype are go-getters in life. They are highly competitive and do whatever it takes to reach their goal. When their archetype goes negative, they become overcompetitive, aggressive, and tend to run over others.
Because my Boychild archetype is my conscious archetype, this energy is very prominent in my life. I have always had high energy levels and the drive to accomplish many things. The problem for me was that oftentimes, this drive would lead me to behave like an elephant in a china shop. My Boychild energy was too strong and out of balance. I had to accomplish my goals, no matter what relationships I broke. I was not considerate of other people’s feelings. I didn’t pay attention to details. I could not see, and didn’t even care, if I stepped on other people’s toes so long as I was moving toward my goal and getting my way. I did not want to pick up the signals other people were sending me when I trespassed their boundaries. I didn’t want to slow down. I couldn’t see that when I was in Boychild overdrive, my zeal was actually working against me.
One instance I can especially recall is when I was invited to attend a study group that had been meeting for a long time. This was my first meeting and I immediately expected the group to endorse a specific project that I wanted to do. I never took into consideration that the group had over time, established other priorities and decision-making processes. Instead, I demanded they see things my way and when I didn’t receive the cooperation I thought was my due, I never came back. It took me a long time to be able to see through the eyes of the other people in the group and to respect the unspoken code of conduct that had been set up by them. Eventually, I was able to see where I had trespassed my bounds and I no longer resented their seemingly uncalled for lack of support.
Curbing my excess Boychild zeal was also important for Brian and me in our relationship with each other. Brian’s conscious archetype is Mother, and he likes things done in a methodical way. He always considers the impact of his actions on other people before doing anything. For me, initially, his approach seemed too restrictive and we would often end up at odds with each other. Over time, however, as I continued to work with my four loving archetypes, I was able to appreciate his Loving Mother thoroughness and to model that consideration towards others.
Brian helped me to balance my uncontained Boychild drive by learning to access my Loving Father archetype. The energy of Father, when it is loving, is the one that sets boundaries to protect us. This energy directs us through conditional love. It provides us with the proper blueprint for our Boychild to do a good job. When my Loving Father archetype came online, I had to curtail my desire to get things done my way right now. I had to recognize and own up to the impact that all of my actions had on other people and circumstances. I had to learn to sometimes, postpone or surrender my personal agendas for the benefit of others. This of course, is a difficult pill for any Boychild ego to swallow. In my case, doing so was especially difficult because Father is my unconscious archetype. It is the energy I most readily reject and I tend to see it as constraining rather than protective.
In the beginning, it was a stretch for me to appreciate the energy of the Loving Father. Little by little, however, with Brian’s help, I was able to establish proper guidelines and boundaries in my relationships with others. I was also able to recognize and appreciate when Brian’s Loving Father energy was coming through. Even though it had an impersonal quality to it and was disciplining, I knew that it was for my own good. I stopped fighting it and started to honor it.
Brian mentored me through the Loving Father to engage my Boychild drive in a more balanced, adult way. I learned that I could actually do better with less ego and more compassion. When it is time to act, I can move with true self-confidence. I have also become less sensitive to other people’s criticism because I feel strong and protected from the inside out.
Engaging the Loving Father also forced me to sort out my relationship with my Loving Mother archetype. Mother is my superconscious archetype. It is the archetype I aspire to, and represents unconditional love. Brian explained to me that a person’s superconscious archetype is how they see God. For me, it was clear. I wanted the Universe as a Loving Mother to give me my every whim and desire. When I didn’t get my way, I would feel abandoned and disappointed. Brian named this conscious Boychild expectation “the milk cow of God.”
Through the Loving Father, Brian helped to understand that it is not truly loving for the universe to spoil me. It is better to wait patiently for the right unfolding and cycle. I don’t see the Loving Mother now as simply a way to “get.” I honor her as my inner teacher who guides me as I reap what I sow. With her assistance, I seek the answers within. I have more peace and in turn, I can be available for others in a genuine and unselfish way.
Working with my Loving Father and my Loving Mother archetypes also helped me to reconnect to my Girlchild archetype and to defend her grace in my life. Girlchild is the archetype that helps us to go with the flow. Girlchild is mystical, creative and intuitive. She is also very caring. In my case, Girchild is my subconscious archetype. This means I feel through this soft energy and can easily be wounded.
Brian and I both have strong subconscious Girlchild archetypes. When my conscious Boychild would get aggressive or when his conscious Mother would go aloof, we would both feel wounded by each other. This could go on for days. Now, as we deal with situations through the adult response of the Loving Father and the Loving Mother, we can be more adult. We don’t have to sink down into Unloved Girlchild despair for long. We can get back on top of things and use our Loved Girlchild energy to truly care for one another.
Over time, I have learned to put the brakes of my Unloved Girlchild-Unloved Boychild aggressive-victim coping mechanism in all of my relationships. Through the boundaries of my Loving Father archetype and the inner nurturing of my Loving Mother archetype, my Girlchild is safe to express her beauty and her inspiration. If someone seeks to offend me, I can be more impersonal. I do not let my Boychild take the matter in his own hands, destructively or self-destructively.
Getting acquainted with the inner family archetypes was the first step to greater wholeness in my life, allowing me to better appreciate myself and others, and blessing my marriage and household.
I encourage you to try discover these archetypes for yourself, and watch how they will change your life. To find out more, you can pick up a copy of our new book, Why We Do What We Do: Four Pathways to Your Authentic Self in bookstores nationwide.
