Understanding Our Subconscious Relationship Triangle


The relationship triangle is like a map that is programmed into our subconscious and that affects how we subconsciously relate to people . Our subconscious processes relationships by assigning three chairs in a triangle. The top chairs represent Mom and Dad, or our primary caregivers. These can be grandparents when the parents occupy a sibling position within the family's authority structure, adoptive parents or foster parents. The bottom chair is occupied by our child self.

Between conception and age three, our parents were like God to us. All of their actions and behaviors were processed by our infant self as how God interacts with us. Now as an adult, our parents are no longer “gods” for us, but our subconscious still plays out this program. In each encounter we have, our subconscious immediately attributes a chair to the people involved, including ourself. The person either sits in one of our parent’s chair or our child chair, and we get to sit in one of the other two chairs. That means that for each relationship we’re involved in, at the subconscious level, we’re either playing the role of Mom, Dad or our child self. We’re either domineering or subjugated, “parenting” or “parented.”

Until these roles have been assigned subconsciously to everyone involved, nobody’s comfortable. Once everyone fits into their assigned chair, based on who they most remind us most subconsciously, everyone feels more comfortable. We think we will be able to predict the other person and manage the ambiguity. It's an ongoing game of projection and counter-projection.

As little infants and young children, we also had a gut reaction to one of our parents, no matter how slight, and we said, “I’m not going to be like that parent.” In effect, we said “no” to that chair. We sided with the other parent on a subconscious level and we said “yes” to their chair.

Now as grown-ups, whenever a situation comes around that make us behave like the parent in the “yes” chair, we are comfortable and everything seems to be going all right. But when we have to sit in the chair of the parent we said “no” to, and behave from that chair’s perspective, we become very uncomfortable. We are having to become the parent or the behavior we said we would never be like, and this wobbles our system.

Whether our transference on someone is positive or negative, what we presuppose and project out often determines their response and behavior. If we approach people with the expectation and attitude that they are going to be a jerk because they remind us of our "no chair" parent, they will pick this up and unwittingly fulfill that demand. This then then reinforces our initial assessment and subconscious projection. When someone comes in and sits in the favored chair that we said “yes” to, we can get hooked to them in a most co-dependent way.

Understanding how our relationship triangle plays out helps us to move from an external definition of self to an internal definition of self that aligns us with our higher spiritual superconscious blueprint. We become defined by who we know we are and want to be, not by what people say we are or make us be. If we can be impersonal when we walk into a room instead of automatically allocating our subconscious chairs out to people, we stop letting others determine who we are and reclaim our power.

If you would like to schedule a personal consultation to better understand how your relationship triangle impacts your relationships, please call 406-333-4331.

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