Understanding Our Subconscious
The relationship triangle is like a map that is programmed into our
subconscious and that affects how we subconsciously relate to people
. Our subconscious processes relationships by assigning three chairs
in a triangle. The top chairs represent Mom and Dad, or our primary
caregivers. These can be grandparents when the parents occupy a sibling
position within the family's authority structure, adoptive parents
or foster parents. The bottom chair is occupied by our child self.
Between conception and age three, our parents were like God to us.
All of their actions and behaviors were processed by our infant self
as how God interacts with us. Now as an adult, our parents are no
longer “gods” for us, but our subconscious still plays
out this program. In each encounter we have, our subconscious immediately
attributes a chair to the people involved, including ourself. The
person either sits in one of our parent’s chair or our child
chair, and we get to sit in one of the other two chairs. That means
that for each relationship we’re involved in, at the subconscious
level, we’re either playing the role of Mom, Dad or our child
self. We’re either domineering or subjugated, “parenting”
Until these roles have been assigned subconsciously to everyone involved,
nobody’s comfortable. Once everyone fits into their assigned
chair, based on who they most remind us most subconsciously, everyone
feels more comfortable. We think we will be able to predict the other
person and manage the ambiguity. It's an ongoing game of projection
As little infants and young children, we also had a gut reaction to
one of our parents, no matter how slight, and we said, “I’m
not going to be like that parent.” In effect, we said “no”
to that chair. We sided with the other parent on a subconscious level
and we said “yes” to their chair.
Now as grown-ups, whenever a situation comes around that make us behave
like the parent in the “yes” chair, we are comfortable
and everything seems to be going all right. But when we have to sit
in the chair of the parent we said “no” to, and behave
from that chair’s perspective, we become very uncomfortable.
We are having to become the parent or the behavior we said we would
never be like, and this wobbles our system.
Whether our transference on someone is positive or negative, what
we presuppose and project out often determines their response and
behavior. If we approach people with the expectation and attitude
that they are going to be a jerk because they remind us of our "no
chair" parent, they will pick this up and unwittingly fulfill
that demand. This then then reinforces our initial assessment and
subconscious projection. When someone comes in and sits in the favored
chair that we said “yes” to, we can get hooked to them
in a most co-dependent way.
Understanding how our relationship triangle plays out helps us to
move from an external definition of self to an internal definition
of self that aligns us with our higher spiritual superconscious blueprint.
We become defined by who we know we are and want to be, not by what
people say we are or make us be. If we can be impersonal when we walk
into a room instead of automatically allocating our subconscious chairs
out to people, we stop letting others determine who we are and reclaim
If you would like to schedule
a personal consultation to better understand how your relationship
triangle impacts your relationships, please call 406-333-4331.
© 2010 Sirius Consulting